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Eye of the third Brillouin zone monster. - Talics [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Eye of the third Brillouin zone monster. [Dec. 10th, 2006|08:46 am]
Yep. Hey there world. I feel like interacting. I have come to the conclusion tonight, that I need to find a nice story to give as a gift to someone this christmas. Or I need to WRITE a story for them, but this is risky. Anyhow, there's a need for christmas shopping which is becoming rather pressing at the moment. But then there's also the exams, which are going rather well this year despite numerous social engagements that have kept me maybe a little too busy. I have somehow managed to gather around me some people this semester, and this feels nice. And then there's the boy who brings out these childlike, happy sensations in me. When you add on to that this strange and caring feeling of just wanting to hold him - well, it's weird and somewhat worrying. Although he cares for me in ways that people very seldom do, I know he does somehow not care enough. And this HURTS. But what the fuck, at least I'm fucking. And soon there's the holidays raining down upon us. I need to find this story though, this little gift, and I need to study. It's almost too much, and still too little. Mm.

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[User Picture]From: talics
2006-12-11 05:32 pm (UTC)
*grins at CE*

Thank you very much for the advice. It does indeed apply to me in some ways (perhaps more than I would like to admit to myself). But then there's also a few other facts to take into consideration, such as 1) I initiated the sex and enjoy it just as much as does this guy, 2) I am more experienced than him, 3) I'm less afraid of getting into something that may hurt me than he is and 4) he's the most sweet and vulnerable guy I've ever met in some ways. I am fifty percent the man in this relationship, and he's fifty percent the girl. We worry about hurting each other. He likes to take care of me in small ways, like making sure I wear enough clothes and do not stay up studying too late into the night. I worry about his ability to be happy about things without thinking, thinking, thinking. Gosh. I want him to have someone who takes care of him, even if this person, cannot be me.

But yes, when it comes to the degree of emotional involvement at a fairly early stage, I think you're very right. I find it very easy to want him without worrying about it. I see something beautiful and I find it beautiful - I do not have to explain to myself exactly why. This guy, on the other hand, is scared of liking me too much, scared of liking me too little, scared to hold me down or have me wait for him when maybe, I could get someone who would be better for me.

I say, we may die tomorrow and I want him, what I can have of him, while I can. I can crash and burn later, and deal with it.

*wonders what CE was going to say that I would really not want to hear*
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[User Picture]From: talics
2006-12-11 05:43 pm (UTC)
Although I can't claim to really understand men, over time I have learned a few things. The first is that men and boys generally don't go into a relationship looking for love, romance, and/or a mate. (Sex is not the same as love or romance.) Or, as my older sister once told me, "They just want to have fun". There may be exceptions to this (some men do enter into relationships with the hope of establishing a permanent one), but in general, I think that the "just have fun" goal is true - at least in the early stages.

Very true. The only problem is that I go into a relationship looking for fun. I do not think about it too much, I just want it and try to get it if I feel I can. My guy who is not my guy, on the other hand, goes around looking for someone he can have and hold. Now, of course as I have come to know him better, I've realized I want more from him than just the fun. He wants more from someone than just the fun, but he does not know yet, if this someone is me. I thank faith or whatever it is, very much for the fact that I want more than just fun from him. Because otherwise, I would feel I had been using him. Yep.

Oh, this feels good to talk about. Clears my head. ;)
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[User Picture]From: talics
2007-01-08 06:34 pm (UTC)
Fate. I thank fate, not faith.
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